I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Let's get the cat blown out
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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