I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He is an equal opportunity slut.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
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Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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