I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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