i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
