just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
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we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
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So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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