I wanna passion pit in your ass
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
