he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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