my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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