Your mouth is God's brothel.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
