Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
