morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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