I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Randomize
