I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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