You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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