What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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