I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
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smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?