How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
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why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
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The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?