Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
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I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
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Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it