2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.