"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
