Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
