Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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