smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
