the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
