If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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