...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
