Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
