i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
