i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
