my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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