You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
