I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
