im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
