i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
