I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
