I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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