Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
