Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
