How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
