Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
