I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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