You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.