Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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