I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
