Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
