We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
