I wish I could punch you in the face.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish you could order shots online.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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