WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
