Soap is not a condiment
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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