i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
