Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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