I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
