Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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