i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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