Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
