'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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