Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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