in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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