Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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