I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
